Friendship

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Good morning Chapel family. We’re continuing out study in the life of David. So far we’ve seen David go from being a nobody, to being a hero, to being a fugitive. When he was a teenage nobody, Samuel the prophet showed up at his house and secretly anointed him the next king of Israel, but he had to keep that quiet, because King Saul was still on the throne. Then he stepped up and courageously killed a Philistine warrior named Goliath, so he became an instant hero. But his popularity made King Saul so jealous that he turned against David, so David had to flee for his life and he became a refugee. It’s not clear exactly how much time David spent out in the desert, but it was probably five years or more.

So here’s the question: what was it that enabled David to survive all those years in the desert? And of course the answer is “God.” But what was it that God used to sustain David through that time?

Did you know that Harvard University has been conducting the same experiment, with the same people, for 86 years—and counting? It’s called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, more commonly known as the Harvard Happiness Study. So they have tracked about 2,000 people throughout their lives. And they’re trying to determine what really makes people healthy and happy. You know what they’ve found? It’s not career achievement; it’s not diet; it’s not exercise. Those things are important. But you know what the single most important contributor to long-term happiness and health is? Good relationships with people. That’s it. Life really is about relationships.

And it was the same for David. The thing that got David through that torturous time—the thing that sustained him and even rescued him—was friendship. He needed friendship. And so do we.

Which is easy to say, but not always easy to do. Because we are living at a time when people are more isolated from each other than we’ve ever been before. Listen to these recent headlines from major news outlets:

“The Surprising Effects of Loneliness on Health”

“How Social Isolation is Killing Us”

“Surgeon General Says There’s a Loneliness Epidemic”

“Why Loneliness Affects Young People More than Older Adults”

“The Biggest Threat Facing Middle-Aged Men Isn’t Smoking or Obesity. It’s Loneliness”

That’s scary, isn’t it?

And I know what you’re thinking: “But I have 2,000 Facebook friends! I have 4,000 Instagram followers! I’m LinkedIn with 10,000 people!” I’m not talking about those kind of friends. If the research is accurate—and I think it is—there are lots of people in this room, and lots of people watching online, who are really lonely. So when you find yourself in the desert, or when you face the giants in your life, you face those things alone. And God wants something better for you.

So…today we’re going to talk about friendship—specifically, David’s friendship with Saul’s son, Jonathan. Starting in 1 Samuel 18—let’s hear God’s Word…

1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to

his family. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

Now go down to 1 Samuel 20, starting in verse 30…

30 Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, “You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? 31 As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!”

32 “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” Jonathan asked his father. 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.

34 Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.

And now 1 Samuel 23, starting in verse 15…

15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. 16 And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. 17 “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” 18 The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh. This is the Word of the Lord.

So: what do we learn from David’s friendship with Jonathan? Let’s break this down into two parts. First, this gives us A Picture of Friendship. When I look at this relationship, there are four things that stand out.

Here’s the first one: Friends sacrifice for you. The first interaction that we see between David and Jonathan happens right after David has killed Goliath. So David has distinguished himself as a courageous warrior, and Jonathan also is an accomplished soldier. And these two guys are just drawn to each other. 1 Samuel 18:1 says Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. That’s a really close friendship.

In today’s climate, it’s almost impossible to talk about a close friendship between two guys or two women without someone assuming it’s sexual. So let me just clear that up from the start: there is absolutely nothing here to suggest a sexual relationship between David and Jonathan. In fact, I think people’s tendency to read that into this says something about how uncomfortable we are with truly close friendships.

So Jonathan loved David as he loved himself. You know why that’s so amazing? Jonathan is the son of the king; the next in line for the throne. Jonathan is a soldier, just like David, and all the women are singing about David’s exploits on the battle field—nobody’s singing about Jonathan. So how would you expect Jonathan to feel toward David? Threatened? Suspicious? Jealous? There’s not a hint of that.

He loves him as himself. And then look what he does: He takes off his robe—the robe of a prince; he takes off his sword and his bow, and he gives them to David. What’s that about? Well, those are the symbols of royalty. Jonathan is next in line to be the king of Israel. And by handing those things to David, Jonathan is saying, “I am laying down my right to be king. I’m recognizing that you, David, will

be the next king of Israel.” Even though he might not speak those words yet, his actions say it all. It’s an incredible moment.

He sacrifices his right to be king! And in the days to come, he would sacrifice more than that: he would sacrifice his father’s affection; he would sacrifice his own safety, for the sake of his friend. That’s what they do. If you call yourself a friend, but you never sacrifice for the other person, you’re not a real friend.

There’s a friend that I miss very much, because he died unexpectedly about three years ago. Some of you knew Sal Dolfi. Sal would often say, “If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know!” Which everybody says, right? Well, about a year before he died, Norma Jean and I were driving up to Ramapo College with our daughter, Sara, for her graduation, around 8:30 in the morning. We got about halfway there, and Sara panicked. There were these multi-color cords that she was supposed to wear around her graduation gown, to signify academic honors. And she had forgotten to bring them. It was too late to turn around and go back. So we started thinking: who can we call to do a big favor for us? It’s the beginning of the work day; it’s going to be about an hour and a half round trip. Hey Siri: call Sal Dolfi. Sal answered the phone. I said, “Sal—I know you’re just starting your work day, but I have a huge favor to ask.” “What do you need?” “Can you drive to our house, go into Sara’s room—which is a mess from her getting ready for graduation, in the pile on the floor, look for these maroon and white cords, and drive them up to Ramapo College? And you have to do it right now.” And Sal said, “Anything for you, my friend.” If you knew Sal, you can just hear him saying that, right? In 40 minutes, he drove onto the campus; he rolled down the window and flashed his huge smile, and handed us the cords, and all was well. I have no idea what he had to sacrifice to make that happen. Did he postpone an appointment with a customer? Did he step out of a sales meeting? He never mentioned it. Because Sal knew that friends sacrifice for friends.

You know, we tend to think that making sacrifices will confine us and limit us, but it’s just the opposite. When you sacrifice for friends—your time, your preferences, your things—it doesn’t confine you; it expands you. It makes you a bigger person. Sal was a big person. And so was Jonathan.

Secondly, Friends stick with you. 1 Samuel 18:3 says Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. What is a covenant? Well, it’s different from the way we usually approach relationships. Normally, our friendships are conditional and temporary. I’ll stay committed to this person as long as it’s convenient; as long as it meets some need in my life. But if that person moves away, or if they annoy me, or offend me, I’m out. A covenant is different. Verse 1 says Jonathan “became one in spirit” with David. The Hebrew literally says “spirit bound with spirit.” The New American Standard translation says, “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.” That’s a close friendship—a covenant friendship.

A covenant is an agreement between two people that they’ll be committed to each other no matter what. So if they annoy you or offend you, you do the hard work of working through it, and forgiving if necessary. If they move away, you still make the effort to stay in touch. I’ll be very honest: there are two guys in my life that I was very close to when we lived near each other. Close friends. They’ve both moved away, and one of those guys, we have all the best intentions to stay in touch, but it doesn’t really happen. We talk about once every two years. The other guy is my friend Kelly. And we do stay in touch. We make the effort. We carve out time to talk on the phone, and to vacation together with our families; we go out of our way to see each other. Thankfully, I have a few other guys like that in my life. And we’ve never actually made a covenant, but there’s an understanding that we will stick with each other, even if it gets hard. The older I get, the more I realize how valuable that is.

Third, Friends stand up for you. In chapter 20, David has been living at the palace, so every night he shows up at the royal table for dinner. And David is beginning to get concerned that King Saul is plotting to kill him. So David and Jonathan decide to do a little experiment. David says, “Tomorrow night, I won’t show up for dinner—let’s see how your father responds to my absence.” So the next day everyone sits down for dinner, and David’s seat is empty. And Saul lets it go. But the next day, David’s place is empty again. And Saul flips out—he’s furious. And he turns his anger against Jonathan—against his own son! And instead of giving in to his father, which would have been the easy thing to do, Jonathan speaks up for his friend: “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” And Saul becomes totally unglued, and throws his spear at his own son (and misses). And it says Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger… because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.

Friends stand up for you. Even when it’s risky to do so, they defend you. They have your back. They don’t allow you to be talked about negatively when you’re not there. Do you have some friends like that? Are you a friend like that?

And then, fourth, Friends strengthen you. My favorite line in this whole passage is 1 Samuel 23:16. Let’s start reading in verse 15: 15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. 16 And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. His friend went to him and helped him find strength.

When I have a friend who’s going through something hard, and I want to help them find strength, I have found that it’s very easy to miss the mark. For example, let’s say I have a friend who’s in the hospital, and they’re about to have serious heart surgery. And I know they’re afraid. So I go visit them in the hospital, and I want to help them find strength before they go into surgery.

Sometimes, I catch myself trying to help them find strength in me. “You don’t have to be afraid; you can do this; I’m here. And I’ll be here when you wake up from surgery.” And that’s a wonderful thing to say, but it’s not what they need the most.

Sometimes, I catch myself trying to help them find strength in the doctors. “You can do this, because the heart doctors at Hackensack Hospital are the best! You’re in good hands!” And that may be true, but that’s not the strength they really need.

Or sometimes, I catch myself trying to help them find strength in themselves. “You’re strong; you’ve been through hard things; you got this.” That’s an extremely popular message in our culture, but it’s not the main thing they need to hear.

The most important words in verse 16 are the last two words. Jonathan went to David…and helped him find strength…what does it say? In…God. That’s what he needed. That’s the bedrock foundation where he could truly find the courage he needed. “God is with you, David! Can’t you see, that changes everything!” That’s what David needed to hear; that’s what my friend in the hospital needs to hear. Yes, I’m going to be there for him when he wakes up, and yes, the doctors are good, and yes, my friend might have some good qualities in himself. But when it’s truly life or death, we need something more solid than any of that stuff. We need friends to remind us of the faithfulness of God.

Friends sacrifice for you, they stick with you, they stand up for you, and they strengthen you. That sets a pretty high bar for friendship, doesn’t it? As I was writing this message, I found myself feeling grateful that I have a few friends like this. But I also found myself feeling, “I need to be a better friend.” Anybody else feeling that? How do you become the kind of friend that Jonathan was to David? Let’s talk about The Path to Friendship. The path involves three things.

First, Enter a covenant with the King. Jonathan was entering a covenant with the future king of Israel, David. But we have the privilege of entering a covenant with the ultimate King, Jesus. That’s the source—that’s the power—for true friendship. Remember at the Last Supper, when Jesus was about to pass the cup of wine to each of his disciples? He said, “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” In other words, “This wine symbolizes the blood that I’m about to spill on the cross, to pay for your sins, so you can enter this covenant with your Creator and be forgiven.” So Jesus was inviting them, and he’s inviting us, to the ultimate covenant relationship with the King.

But you have to see this: in order for Jonathan to enter that covenant with David, what did he have to do? He took of his robe and his sword and he gave them to David. In other words, he gave up his right to be king. And if we want to enter a covenant with The King, we have to give up our right to be king. Does that make sense? We have to acknowledge, “You’re the King—you’re the Lord, and I’m not. I’m taking myself off the throne, and I’m giving you full rights to the throne of my life. You spilled your blood for me, so I’m giving my life to you.”

If you have never entered a covenant with the King, or if you’ve only done it half-heartedly, that’s your next move. It’s time to go all in. It’s the only way you’re going to experience the deepest kind of friendship.

And then, as a participant in that covenant, listen to this: Enjoy the friendship of the King. This is almost too good to be true! In John 15, Jesus says to his disciples, “No longer do I call you servants; I call you my friends.” Stop for a minute and just think about that. You might think of Jesus as your Savior; as your guide; as your shepherd; as your example; as your object of worship—right? But do you truly think of him as your friend? We need to push into this.

Think about it: Jonathan was the kind of friend what we all wish we had, right? He seems like the perfect friend! But there’s a better one.

Jonathan sacrificed his right to the throne for David; Jesus sacrificed everything for us.

Jonathan stuck with David; Jesus says, “I will be with you always, to the very end.”

Jonathan stood up for David, right? He defended him. 1 John 2:1 says If anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the righteous. So every time we sin, Jesus stands up before the Father, and says, “Remember, I died for that sin; it’s been paid in full.”

Jonathan strengthened David, right? And now, because of Christ in us, we can say, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Jesus is the ultimate friend. So…nurture that friendship. Make it a habit to open the Word of God and hear the voice of Jesus, speaking to you through Scripture. Talk with him like you talk with a friend—while you’re walking; while you’re cycling; while you’re driving. Feel his presence and his affection for you, no matter what you do. Enjoy the friendship of the King.

And then, very naturally, Emulate the friendship of the King. Instead of complaining, “Why aren’t other people being better friends to me?”, choose today that you will be a better friend to others. And the way to do that is to take what you are receiving from Jesus, and turn around and treat people the same way. Be the kind of friend to others that Jesus is to you. Freely you have received; freely give.

Jesus sacrificed everything for you, so think about ways you can sacrifice for your friends—like my friend Sal sacrificed his morning in my time of need. This week, how can you sacrifice your time or your agenda for the good of a friend?

Jesus sticks with us no matter what, so ask yourself, “Have I allowed a friend to drift away—because maybe they moved or we don’t work together anymore, and it’s no longer convenient to keep up with them?” Is there someone you need to reconnect with, and commit to sticking with them?

Jesus stands up for us in that heavenly courtroom. So the next time you hear someone talking badly about a friend, instead of going along with it or remaining silent, stand up for your friend.

And when we walk through the hard things, Jesus strengthens us. I’m going to guess that you have a friend who’s facing something hard right now. Go to your friend—just like Jonathan went to David—and help them find strength in God. It’s the best thing a friend can do for a friend.

Take everything that Jesus is giving you, and pour it out to others. That’s the path to true friendship.

I’m looking forward to having you meet my intern this summer. Matthew Smith is doing a preaching-focused internship, and he’ll actually be preaching later in the summer. So this week I asked Matt, “Was there a time when a friend came through for you?” And he told me a story, which he gave me permission to share. Matt started college at Farleigh Dickinson, and he played on their baseball team. But after his first year, he realized he wasn’t going to make it anymore. The new guys coming up were bigger, faster, stronger, and he realized his baseball career was over. He was frustrated and disappointed. That next fall he was supposed to go to Spain and do a semester abroad, and he had no desire to go. And he was making plans to quit school altogether. It was a true low point.

And I said, “Well, what happened? What changed?” He said, “My friend showed up.” It was his childhood friend that had always kept in touch with him. He talked it through with Matt; he encouraged him; he supported him. And Matt said, “I went to Spain and it was one of the best experiences of my life.” He came back and transferred to Rutgers, he finished his degree at Rutgers, he went on to work for New City Kids in Paterson. This past spring he finished his master’s degree at Gordon-Conwell Seminary, and I believe he’s going to be a really good pastor someday. It’s amazing to think that none of this may have happened, if it weren’t for the power of a friend.

Enter a covenant with King Jesus.

Enjoy your friendship with him.

And then go out and treat other people the ways he’s treated you.

Let’s take a moment and prepare our hearts for communion…